Bob's Diner

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Page name: Bob's Diner [Logged in view] [RSS]

2022-01-26 00:23:33

Last author: Mortified Penguin
Owner: Sagacious Turkey

# of watchers: 289

D20: 11

Wiki-page rating	Stumble!
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Friendly:	17

(Formerly Chuck's)

^{Abandon all outside food and drinks, ye who enter here.

a limerick, by [Mortified Penguin]

.........Welcome to Bob's Diner,

ain't no place finer!

The food is good,

we're always in tha 'hood,

and [Sagacious Turkey] is a whiner!

As seen in [iippo]'s diary!

This wiki sponsored in part by the [Sunrose] Does Not Suck committee

and the [pixish] art committee

_{by [Teufelsweib]}}

Menu:

Show content

|Da menyou|

<img150*0:stuff/aj/11111/bobsdinerspecial.png>

'If you are what you eat, then we're easy, fast and cheap!'

Don't see sumthin ya like on da menu? Well, add to it!

<img:stuff/b.GIF.gif>

^{_{Breakfast

1. Shakin' Bacon $1.50

2. Godzilla Eggs $1.20

3. Hash Browns $1.00

4. Hash Greens $1.00

5. Texas toast (this isn't really from texas) $2.00

6. French Toast (This isn't actually from France either) $3.50

7. French Fries (nope, still not from france...) $1.50

8. French Bread (NOT FROM FRANCE!!!) $1.25

9. French Wine (not from France exactly... it might have fallen off a truck,... but i don't know anything *whistles innocently*)

10. Mortified News-Paper-Colored-Breakfast-Sandwich $2.50

Lunch

1. Bob's special of the day: Sun. grilled cheese, Mon. leg of lamb, Tues. leg of bob, Wed. something we found on the street, Thurs. hamburger, Fri. tacos we stole from Taco Bell, Sat. you don't want to know. $4.19

2. hamburger & fries $4.00

3. uncooked ham (a live pig) $10.24

4. a bowl of fresh lard $3.49

5. Texas toast (this isn't really from Texas) $2.00

6. think of the nastiest thing you've ever seen or smelled... nope, nastier... yup thats it! $5.99

7. raw chicken liver with a dog drool sauce. $7.82

8. La Ham and cheese $2.30

9. Bob's Mama $1 an hour

10. Garfield's mama $0.50 an hour

11. sirloin $6.00

12. Sir. Loin (some British guy) £6.00

13. boiled Chef Zef $0.99

14. 3-legged lamb - whole: $10.00/ each leg: $2.00

15. fried Alley Gator $5.00

16. Plain poodle: $3.00/ Extra crispy poodle: $3.50

17. Poo Stew $2.25

18. Mashed taters and dressed up alligators $5.50

19. Woops, I sneezed... Oh well, might as well put it to good use... "snot sandwich" $1.25

20. Roasted n00b $4.00

21. Bloody Rock $1.50

22. Flattened road kill squirrel $4.75

23. Fresh n00b with blood croutons $4.50

24. [Shaggy13]'s soup $1.12

25. Turkey Jerkey $0.50

26. A Jerkey Turkey $5.00

27. YO MOMMA with a side of fries and a large soda $0.00

28. [Rolo]'s special: Mouse burger and french flies all for just $2.50

29. [Blvd. of broken dreams]'s Acid Kisses free to try then 4 easy payments of $19.95 to buy!!!!

30.

31. Micheal Jackson's nose $10.75

32. elf on the cob $5.50/whole elf $9.25

33. [spitfire_35121]'s mole 500,000.00

34. An Orange Chicken ¥300.00

35. Ground beef Carl $3.25

36. The Deep Fried Moose Combo $6.99

37. [sara(:]'s kitty.......$o.ooo9 per hour..

38. viagra pill $300

39. gobbler....?

40. a big fat bowl of ramen ¥800.00

41. hootchie cootchie $2.00

42. Burgers from McDonald's $1.00

43. Make Your Own Road Kill (Brought to you by MatchBox) $ 6.90

44. Deep Fried Squirrel Quesadilla $ 1.50

45. Eel Burger (it's shockingly delicious!) $3.4¾ (WARNING: Eel Burger may kill consumer. We are not responsible. Blame the eels!)

46. Selfish Shellfish Soufflé $4.99 (plus tip!)

47.All the grief, horror, madness,[Lethan] and opium-addled reverie you can shake a Victorian gentleman's walking stick at for a mere $5

48. [Eloura]'s Busted gut still fresh and good, for a nere (and this is a SALE people) $9.99

49. [Duke Devlin]'s Small Bacon Bit Babies. They are a delious bacony treat for any meal. $15,999.99 It's a real steal deal kids!

50. [Araglas]'s Zombie body food, just ask, it's good, and very fresh! Only $5.99!

51. All you can eat: [HardRockAngel]'s little brother: an endless supplie of meat. $12.99

Appetizers

1. half a cracker $1,000,000

2. Bloody Rock $1.50

3. [sara(:]'s (very little) Brain $2.00

4. [Fallen Child Athena]'s Foamy the Squirrel $5000.00 ((i stole him hahahahahaha))

5. [Mortified Penguin]'s intelligence (not a very big meal...) $0.25

6. Slice of maggot cheese $1.50

7. Cooked Sushi $4.50

8. Tumble Weed $1,000.01

9. [Fallen Child Athena]'s "happy crack".......$1.50((its weed))

10. Bowl of tears $.50

11. Crickets (a bowl full) $0.50

12. "Eye Rolls" $1.50

13. Corn on the toes $1.50

14. cooked sushi $2.00

15. Big, huge, throbbing, hot, juicy... breadsticks! $DAH.LER

16. [Mortified Penguin]'s ashes $Free to try $39.95 to buy

17. [Blvd. of broken dreams]'s leg (stays fresh for about a month) hehe jr., i told you!!!1

17. Military Intelligence (not much there) $9,999 {brought in by [Fallen Child Athena])

19. Fresh squeezed hangover from [Evolution X]

20. Ganondorf's Noodly Appendage (note: not big enough to be considered full meal) $4.00

21. Peanuts of Pathos $free with the purchase of a drink (In loving memory of our dear old friend, [Paul Doyle].)

22. Flagon of Dragon Lotion. Not sure what to make of this, frankly. It's not really a drink . . . have this with Peanuts of Pathos, perhaps? Do you have what it takes to consume this? I'm not sure I do.

23. [Mortified Penguin]'s head on a fake cheap silver platter.

24. Blubber nuggets, made with the finest whale blubber in the world! (YUM!) $100.00

Dinner

1. [Mortified Penguin]'s squeegey $0.10

2. DUSTIN'S MAMA and a condom......we'll pay you...take it,we don't want "it".....

3. Sasmooko's Shoe $1.75

4. A leg $Shoot something, or someone

5. [Fallen Child Athena]'s bunny rabbit..........$1.50

6. The "lame-@$$-mo'-frickin'-gay-infested-puppy-hating-country-o'-france" Special. (May include: French toast, french fries, french bread, french vanilla, french dressing, a lovely french dipping sauce, and a sexy lonely french woman that likes to french kiss) $19.95 if you order in the next ten minutes! ...plus shipping and handling...

7. [Evolution X]'s famous Spaghetti and eyeballs.

8. A Big Freakin' Bowl of Ramen $0 (Free for Mort, everyone else gets charged a mandatory $10 tip for the waiter)

9.Ugly stack of papers with protective cover. Looks to have been dropped into a beef broth by a sad, worn out, uncreative idiot. Yarg. (munches on a news-paper-colored-breakfast-sandwich) $2.00

10.Gammon with Fluff & gravy =] $0

11.Not so fresh puppy €7.00 (Other than brown colored +¥5.28)

12. [Scarekrow]'s Harden the fuck up special (with your choise of fist to the face or foot to the ass)................$25.00

13. Chuck Norris Stew with a side of sucker-punch and piss-in-your-pants. Priceless

Dessert

1. brownie-a-la-mode $2.00

2. crap-a-la-commode $2.00

3. artichoke pie $1.50

4. "cheese cake" (literally made of cheese) $1.75

5. Iced ice $0.50

6. Glazed rocks $0.75

7. Punkin Pie (full of fresh baked punks...) $2.00

8. Rake Cake (wanna do something special for your hard working rake for it's birthday? get this!) $1.75

9. n00b-a-la-blood $2.00

10. "Cow Pie" $2.00

11. [Phil Crooked]'s manhood $9,999,999,999.50

12. [Phil Crooked]'s manhood, FROSTED, $2

13. "apple sauce" $1

14. [nokaredes]'s old cast $how much you got?

15. [ikkle sid] for the night chocolate sauce included 4 all u randy twats lol ... $1,000,000,000

16. [Archeress of Mirkwood]'s liver flavored ice cream $2.50

17. [Archeress of Mirkwood]'s chocolate flavored moth-balls $1.75 per box

18. Bert and Ernie's every flavor spleens... er... I mean... beans. $1.00 per box

19.[bluefairy27]'s deadly blow fish surprise.$3.50

20. [Evolution X]'s Eskimo pie (from real eskimos)

21. Pink, fluffy and tasty Watapon (Warning: Not really tasty)

22. Vasturcro, free! (plus $20 in taxes, $35 for the food, which is $65, totaling out to $127)

23. Sweet, cherry, and pied crow pie, $2.33

Drinks

1. anything we can liquefy in the blender $1.00

2. snot $1.00

(smaller gap)

3. urine $1.00

4. "mystery meat juice" $1.00

5. liquid lard $1.00

6. [Fallen Child Athena]'s special "coffee" $1.95

7. goat milk $1.00

8. watered down tea $1.00

9. Turkey Milk $1.00

10. A Pint of Blood $0.50

11. A Quart of Blood $1.00

12. Goblet Of Blood On The Rocks $2.50

13. Rat Milk $1.00

14. Snow Coco $1.00

15. Hot, steaming cup of Coffee $1.00 (per cup)

16. Liquid ice $2.50 per pound

17. A "booty" shake $6.66

18. From the makers of Granny's Bunyan Creme and Granny's Homegrown Arsenic... we bring you... Granny's Hard Rubbing Alcohol! Not only does it get you hammered more than a nail, but it also helps heal your internal cuts! (WARNING: Granny's Hard Rubbing Alcohol will NOT heal your internal cuts. In fact, it may make them worse. We are not responsible for any injuries and/or death. Blame Granny!) $Depends on how "under the influence" you are.

19.something [Lethan] squeezed out of a brick

20. An Epic Fail (Brought in by Veari)

21. Tead down water(purified) $50.00

22. Special Equestrian "Mayonnaise" Smoothie}}

Bob's Diner Status Report:
_{Bob's Diner Status Report
^{All numbers and stats are approximate and lead to irregularities when double checking, due to faulty math and [Elftron] screwing with wiki comments and information sometimes. Don't blame us. Blame [Hedda].}

Year

04/05

05/06

06/07

07/08

08/09

09/10

10/11

11/12

12/13

13/14

14/15

15/16

16/17

17/18

18/19

19/20

20/21

Comments

9709

3870

3065

5676

4309

2879

5259

1697

0984

0756

0394

0177

0384

1677

0471

0285

0118

Average

26.6 cpd

10.6 cpd

08.4 cpd

15.5 cpd

11.8 cpd

07.9 cpd

14.4 cpd

04.7 cpd

02.7 cpd

02.1 cpd

01.1 cpd

00.5 cpd

01.1 cpd

04.6 cpd

01.3 cpd

00.8 cpd

00.3 cpd

Total Comments

09709

13579

16644

22320

26666

29545

34804

36501

37484

38240

38634

38839

39223

40900

41371

41656

41774

Total Average

26.6 cpd/9709 cpy

18.6 cpd/6789 cpy

15.2 cpd/5548 cpy

15.3 cpd/5580 cpy

14.6 cpd/5333 cpy

13.5 cpd/4924 cpy

13.6 cpd/4972 cpy

12.5 cpd/4563 cpy

11.4 cpd/4165 cpy

10.5 cpd/3824 cpy

09.6 cpd/3512 cpy

08.9 cpd/3237 cpy

08.3 cpd/3017 cpy

08.0 cpd/2921 cpy

07.6 cpd/2758 cpy

07.1 cpd/2604 cpy

06.7 cpd/2457 cpy

Until The End of the Friscal Year and the Next Status Report

Since The End of the Last Friscal Year

Since B's D's Founding}

Friscal Reports:

Show content

   Next Friscal Report:

_{Total: An unknown, futuristic XXXXX

Future paragraphs.

   Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 39223

Paragraphs.

   Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 38839

Paragraphs.

   Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 38634

Paragraphs.

   Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 38240

Paragraphs.

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 37484

Paragraphs.

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A(n) adjective 36501

Paragraphs.

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A settling, halfsome 34804

As we all know, Bob's Diner has a comment based economy. As comment averages rise, Bob's Diner prospers. When they fall, Bob's Diner slips into a violent depression and has thoughts of suicide. It often cries itself to sleep at night, wondering how it's going to feed its 27 children. So, you can clearly see why the more comments you make, the better off we are and the less I'll hate you.

With that in mind, this year was certainly better than last year, but not nearly as better as the year before the year before last year, which is the best except for the one that was better which was the year before the year before that. Following this trend, we can predict that next year, the year following this year, will be the year that comes after this year. However, as this year is already over, we've already entered into the new year, meaning that this year isn't this year but last year and next year is this year, not the year after this year. So, with this other stuff I just said in mind, I suspect that, since this year is now this year, not next year, the comments will continue steadily trending upward, unless they don't. Realistically speaking though, and following the current data, the comment average will take a two year nose dive into the worst recession we've seen yet before going back up in 14/15.

So, the comments were alright this year. But, why weren't they alrighter? It was likely because of two bannings of members that were previously highly productive commenters: Artsie and Mystin. They will be missed. Not really though. In other news, CEO, international sex superstar, and self-proclaimed CEO, [Mortified Penguin], will be stepping down as manager today and stepping up some stairs. That lead to the manager's office. Where he will be crowned manager. Also, [Nioniel] stole our 'i'.

(This has been a vaguely worded announcement by a guy typing things.)

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: An unsettling, unwholesome 29545

More Obama related mishaps have taken quite a toll on Bob's Diner this year. That, coupled with [53406] as manager, has resulted in 1430 less comments than last year. Which brings the average number of comments for the friscal year to a miserable 7.9 a day and the average for all time down to 13.5 a day. We've determined the cause of the missing 37 comments from 07/08 to be homicide. Police are investigating the contents of Misty's stomach in hopes of finding remains. So far, nothing but rat skeletons and bear feces has turned up.

No new members for the entire year (that I know of. I haven't really checked, I'm just assuming). Likely Misty's fault. In this past friscal year, B's D has apparently become /b/'s D. Our big 'B' will be missed.

For this upcoming friscal year, I will be taking over as manager once more (until it becomes apparent that the numbers will be down, at which point I will hand ownership back to Turkey). I plan to run this Diner the way it was meant to be run... straight into the ground. First off, budget cuts everywhere! No more of this "getting Christmas off to be with family" nonsense. Workers will now work 367 days a year or be fired (at)(with bazookas).

(This has been a public dis-service announcement from CEO and self-proclaimed sexual offender, [Mortified Penguin].)

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: A nice, wholesome 26666.

So, we never did find out what happened to those poor, unfortunate 37 comments. They will be missed. This friscal year, we had a disappointing 4309 comments. The lower number is speculated to be the fault of Obama, the recession, and, of course, Misty. Though it wasn't as good as last year's or the 04/05 year, it's still better than the dismal period from 2005 to 2007. The 08/09 numbers are still a pretty decent accomplishment, considering Elftown's sharp decline in members.

In this passing friscal year, we (and by 'we' I mean 'I') have managed to get a whole bunch of new members and casual visitors... thanks to good ol' fashion spamming. Speaking of meat byproducts, the Diner is now under [53406]'s control once more, meaning that he's the one that should be held responsible for the poor friscal report! ...Get 'im! ...*eats ramen*...

(This has been a public service announcement from ex-CEO and casual rapist, [Mortified Penguin].)

   Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Previous Friscal Report:

Total: 22320 (though it should be 22357!)

This leaves some 37 missing comments. It is Bob's Diner's top priority to find these missing comments and bring them home safely.

Thanks to the brilliant leadership of [Mortified Penguin], Bob's Diner has had it's second best year yet! We nearly doubled those comments from last year and even brought B's D out of it's depression. So remember... support the Ramen Party and Bob's Diner in the next friscal (that's right! friscal!) year... every comment counts. (This has been a public service announcement from CEO, Mortified Penguin.)}

^{_{Previous B's D}}

^{_{By posting comments to Bob's Diner, you grant a world-wide, royalty-free, and exclusive license to [Mortified Penguin] to steal your dumb jokes, musings, ramblings, nonsequiter nonsense, and general comments and publish them in a legally questionable screenplay, which will then be fashioned into a highly problematic and excessively meta book. All posters, now and prior to this post, forfeit copyright ownership of all comments to [Mortified Penguin]. Any profits from said screenplay book will belong solely to [Mortified Penguin], who is handsome, and who also reserves the right to not give you credit for your dumb comments. The addition of this message to this wiki covers all comments forthwith and hithertofore. By continuing to post on Bob's Diner and by having previously posted on Bob's Diner, you forfeit any and all rights to litigation against [Mortified Penguin]. However, if one of your stolen comments results in legal trouble for [Mortified Penguin], all copyrights and intellectual property rights for the aforementioned problematic comments will be returned to the original poster, who will take on all legal responsibilities. Finally, to the judge who will inevitably read this, FUCK YOU, YOU LITTLE BITCH. YOU DON'T HAVE THE BALLS TO FIND ME GUILTY. YOU LITTLE PUSSY. I AM ABOVE THE LAW. I DO NOT RESPECT THE AUTHORITY OF YOUR COURT AND THE SECOND I LEAVE THIS COURTROOM, I'M HEADING STRAIGHT TO YOUR HOUSE TO SKULLFUCK YOUR WIFE INTO A COMA. YEAH, THAT'S A THREAT. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? JUDGE ME? COWARD.}}

2017-10-07 [Mortified Penguin]: *grabs Undulating Confederate's spirit as it starts to exit the body and starts punching it in the face*

CUT THAT OUT, YOUR SHIFT ISN'T OVER FOR ANOTHER FIVE MINUTES!

2017-10-07 [Nuktae-tal]: *spoons timeclock* I love the way you demand things *giggles as clock punches her out*

2017-10-09 [Mortified Penguin]: Stop fraternizing with my timeclock and get back to work, that soup isn't going to stir itself!

*points at the soup, but notices it has begun stirring itself*

Well, those tables certainly aren't going to clean themsel-

*one of the tables starts scrubbing itself down with a sponge*

Huh. I guess you're fired then.

2017-10-10 [Nuktae-tal]: *fraternizws with register next.* I love the way your drawer sticks!

2017-10-11 [Mortified Penguin]: Because you won't stop pouring syrup in it.

2017-10-12 [Nuktae-tal]: sssshhhhhh he likes it *pours in honey*

2017-10-13 [Mortified Penguin]: *shakes his head disapprovingly and rides away on his bicycle*

<img:stuff/aj/92105/1507913527.gif>

2017-10-13 [Sagacious Turkey]: *makes sandwiches in his office*

2017-10-13 [ancienteye]: And now the paper guillotine is jammed.

2017-10-13 [Sagacious Turkey]: Don't be ridiculous, that's clearly jelly.

2017-10-13 [ancienteye]: It's not clear, it's purple!

2017-10-13 [Sagacious Turkey]: *throws out the pile of sandwiches and starts wrapping up the crusts to sell to customers at reasonable prices*

Psst, hey, kid... wanna buy some sandwich flavored crusts for two thousand dollars?

"No." "Yes!"

Here you go, little boy!

"WHY ARE YOU STABBING ME? OH GOD, WHY?!" "Wow, these sure are some delicious sandwich flavored crusts, mister!"

2017-10-13 [ancienteye]: ^{And that's why I didn't bring up the waste of crusts.}

2017-10-13 [Sagacious Turkey]: It's not really purple, just purple flavored.

2017-10-13 [Mortified Penguin]: We don't waste food here at Bob's Cafe.

2017-10-13 [ancienteye]: Is that better than grape-flavored? Or at least sweeter than yellow-flavored?

2017-10-13 [ancienteye]: Not on the customers, at least.

2017-10-13 [Sagacious Turkey]: Yellow isn't a flavor. I told you to stop being ridiculous. If you're going to come barging in here and demand to be allowed to comment like this, you have to act a bit more reasonable.

*sensibly puts on his clown nose, sets fire to himself, and respectably cartwheels off into traffic*

2017-10-13 [Mortified Penguin]: TO HELL WITH THE CUSTOMERS!

*some customers angrily look up from the customer stuff they were doing*

Not you, I meant the other customers.

*they nod and return to their customer related business*

2017-10-13 [ancienteye]: Neither is grape. The appropriate term is "ew".

And I didn't "barge in". My presence is court-ordered.

(You have plural customers?)

2017-10-13 [Sagacious Turkey]: Then whose barge is that?! *points at a towboat crashed halfway into the diner/cafe*

2017-10-13 [ancienteye]: Bob's.

2017-10-13 [Sagacious Turkey]: Damn liar, the registration says the owner is named Robert.

2017-10-13 [ancienteye]: Really? I thought that was the anchor's name?

2017-10-13 [Sagacious Turkey]: No, no. That's Burgundy, I believe.

2017-10-13 [Mortified Penguin]: *starts collecting barnacles for his new Awful Tasting Barnacle Salad℠ (now served with a side of sea cucumber sandwiches... they taste alright, I guess)*

2017-10-13 [ancienteye]: But it's mauve!

*to Mort* Is there a Shell-free version and an Extra-Crunchy! version?

2017-10-13 [Mortified Penguin]: There is no shell-free version, unfortunately. We do have a Garden Slug Salad® though (now served with real garden slugs)!

*quickly hides a pile of empty snail shells in his desk drawer*

2017-10-13 [ancienteye]: Aw. But I would have paid extra for Extra-Crunchy...

2017-10-13 [Mortified Penguin]: I suppose we could deep fry the salad to add a little extra crunch...

*dunks the salad bowl in the soup and pulls out a glorious, delicious, crispy, deep fried platter of onion rings*

Wait, that's not it...

*puts the onion rings back in the soup and pulls out a bowl of soggy, disgusting smelling salad, soaked in soup*

Here you are! *spits in the salad and throws it onto the floor*

WHERE'S MY TIP?!

2017-10-13 [ancienteye]: Here's the tip: There's too much oil in that soup.

2017-10-13 [Mortified Penguin]: But it's vegetable oil, so it's healthy.

*a passing diseased owl accidentally crash lands in the soup*

*it shrieks loudly and thrashes about for a few seconds, but quickly begins to melt and finally dissolves into the soup*

*slaps a "premium" label on the soup and raises the price by two dollars*

2017-10-13 [ancienteye]: Well now there's too much owl in that soup.

2017-10-13 [Mortified Penguin]: But it's vegetable owl, so it's healthy.

2017-10-13 [ancienteye]: But owls are carnivores.

2017-10-13 [Mortified Penguin]: Are you implying carnivals aren't healthy?!

2017-10-13 [ancienteye]: Of course not! I have a ferris wheel omelet every morning for breakfast.

2017-10-13 [Mortified Penguin]: That's not possible... we don't serve ferris wheel omelets here...

2017-10-13 [ancienteye]: I don't eat breakfast here. Just lunch.

2017-10-13 [Mortified Penguin]: TRAITOR! And after all we've considered doing for you!!

*breaks down in tears and sobs mournfully while eating some ramen*

2017-10-13 [ancienteye]: The only thing you've considered doing is overcharging me on greasy barnacles.

2017-10-14 [Mortified Penguin]: There was an old lettuce core in there too, you know... *eats ramen*...

2017-10-14 [ancienteye]: Slimy and greasy, then. My apologies.

2017-10-14 [Nuktae-tal]: WHAT?! WHAT>?! WHAT!>>?

2017-10-14 [ancienteye]: Would you like to try the barnacle salad?

2017-10-14 [Nuktae-tal]: Can I have a Clam Bake instead? Just the shells though none of that gross stuff inside.

2017-10-14 [Delta Operator]: It seems we are requested to make small donations to the Bob's Diner economy. Here's my two cents. BYE!

2017-10-15 [Sideways]: Christ on a bicycle, the spam!!!

2017-10-15 [ancienteye]: I didn't know they served spam here.

2017-10-15 [General]: This shit is so annoying. -.-;

2017-10-15 [Nuktae-tal]: Fried spam with eggs and toast!!

2017-10-15 [Mortified Penguin]: Spam? There's no spam here, this is an institute of higher learning, not some greasy dive.

*adjusts his teaching spectacles*

Anyway, as I was lecturing, when taking the derivative of a composite of functions, you have to use the chain rule...

*starts whipping [General] with a large chain*

TAKE THAT DERIVATIVE, BITCH. TAKE IT HARD.

2017-10-15 [Sagacious Turkey]: *speaks up from the back of the classroom*

When are we getting to the power rule...?

2017-10-15 [Mortified Penguin]: *menacingly holds up a power saw*

SOON. But do take notes, this will be on the exam.

*chain whips the pen and paper out of [Delta Operator]'s hands*

I SAID TAKE NOTES!

2017-10-15 [Sagacious Turkey]: Man, I hate this class... school is for losers...

*angrily carves swastika dicks into his desk*

"Please stop! I'm not a desk!!"

*kicks the old man he's sitting on top of in the ribs with his spurs*

*continues carving swastika dicks as his desk simply sobs*

2017-10-15 [Sideways]: Sir, I don’t think a power saw is necessary to cut spam. Maybe it’s not tender enough for a fork, but I am pretty sure a common table knife will serve.

2017-10-15 [Mortified Penguin]: The British police already came through and rounded up all our common (as well as uncommon) table knives, so now we should all be a lot safer. Now please sit your acid burned face back down and pay attention, because I'm not going to repeat myself. I SAID I'M NOT GOING TO REPEAT MYSELF.

*three cars crash into the classroom and some tanned Brits start heroically passing out free acid samples*

2017-10-15 [Hedda]: I fixed the polls... They still don't have questions though :P

2017-10-15 [Mortified Penguin]: I mainly just like the aesthetics, they don't need no fancy questions or answers.

2017-10-15 [Emily June]: I wish to unsubscribe to Bob's Weekly Mailing List, even though I'll miss out on all sorts of amazing deals! Just kidding, don't opt me out, I wish to receive even more updates, because I just can't get enough of Bob's Diner's new Food Pile Buffet! Now starting at only $4.7 million! WARNING: Bob's Diner's new Food Pile Buffet may not be food, but rather a stack of corpses and silverware that we wanted to get rid of. It's still probably worth the price though.

2017-10-15 [Mortified Penguin]: You have now been unsubscribed to Bob's Weekly Mailing List and instead been signed up for Bob's Tri-Weekly Mailing List! It's basically the same thing as our weekly mailing list, but it sends the same thing five times a week. The "tri-weekly" part is just a lie.

2017-10-15 [Nuktae-tal]: I love lie's !! They are educational and delicious!

2017-10-16 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1508167006.jpg>

2017-10-16 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1508167035.jpg>

2017-10-16 [Mortified Penguin]:

2017-10-16 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1508167108.jpg>

2017-10-16 [Mortified Penguin]: Clearly, I need to spam more. *starts working on B's D ads 13-600*

2017-10-16 [Sideways]: <img:stuff/aj/181888/1508168658.jpg>

2017-10-16 [Nuktae-tal]: I love this place!! *sits in a box*

2017-10-16 [Nuktae-tal]: And! I like spam too! *opens spam can and licks it*

2017-10-17 [Yuriona]: You're lucky to have that cardboard box! We only had a paper bag and it had a tear up one side!

And no more spam for me please. I'm quite full up thank you.

2017-10-17 [Sideways]:

2017-10-17 [Sideways]: <img:stuff/aj/181888/1508283176.jpg>

2017-10-18 An Allosaurus' Bicuspid: An Elftown ad on Elftown. Good marketing strategies here.

2017-10-18 [Mortified Penguin]: You didn't use the proper cancellation phrase, Yuriona. Unfortunately, this means I'll have to sign you up for Bob's Nonstop Spamming, Threatening, and Sexual Harassment mailing list. Please give Paco your home address, so he knows where to start mailing my hair.

2017-10-18 [Mortified Penguin]: And Bob's Diner isn't associated with Elftown. We're basically an independent city state with our own laws. Also, slavery. And we have no age of consent either.

2017-10-18 [Yuriona]: Noted. That just means I have to track down and ban every single freaking clone house you have... wait, that's most of the active members here now isn't it?

2017-10-18 [Sideways]: I heard you hired a recently deposed Hollywood studio mogul for the sexual harassment department

<img:stuff/aj/181888/1508368670.jpg>

2017-10-19 [rBob'sDine]: ha

2017-10-19 [erBob'sDin]: ha

2017-10-19 [nerBob'sDi]: ha

2017-10-19 [inerBob'sD]: ha

2017-10-19 [DinerBob's]: ha

2017-10-19 [sDinerBob']: ha

2017-10-19 ['sDinerBob]: ha

2017-10-19 [b'sDinerBo]: ha

2017-10-19 [ob'sDinerB]: ha

2017-10-19 [Bob'sDiner]: ha

2017-10-19 [Mortified Penguin]: Besides, I need my clones, because people keep trying to block all my invites for some reason and I have to send them from different houses. It's really annoying.

2017-10-19 [Mortified Penguin]: I would advertise for the other branches, but I've always secretly hated them for their success.

http://elfpack.com/wiki.html?name=bob%27s%20diner
http://fake.swedma.com/wiki.html?name=bob%27s%20diner

Also, I'm pretty sure linkmeet has one too... and that other Heddate site... *eats ramen*...

2017-10-19 [Yuriona]: Nothing better than the original. :P

2017-10-19 [Mortified Penguin]: Except maybe McDonald's. Have you heard about their new buttermilk chicken tenders? With the power of milk and butter combined, chicken has never tasted so edible! Now with 15% less woody fibers and chicken bones! I'm lovin' it!

*quietly takes a large roll of cash from a grotesque, shadowy, hooded clown figure*

*after getting paid by Misty's whore mother he's pimping out, Mort then accepts a bribe from a McDonald's spokesperson*

2017-10-20 [Nuktae-tal]: *smiles obliquely*

2017-10-20 [Yuriona]: I'm not sure they're available here in Canada. I live out in the sticks and don't get to McDonalds very often. (Our KFC's don't even have mashed potatoes or grits!)

2017-10-20 [Mortified Penguin]: But without mashed potatoes, how do they make their KFC® Famous Bowl?!

<img:stuff/aj/92105/1508527308.jpg>

2017-10-21 [Sideways]: It’s a great big pigslop bowl of sadness

2017-10-21 [Mortified Penguin]: Thank you for endorsing Bob's® Great Big Pigslop Bowl of Sadness, but we're not nearly as good as KFC and we use pigslop instead of chicken.

2017-10-21 [Nuktae-tal]: and sadness instead of potatoes!

2017-10-22 [Sagacious Turkey]: And wood shavings instead of cheese!

2017-10-22 [Sagacious Turkey]: *whittles a wooden shiv in case of Misty attacks*

*on second thought, goes ahead and whittles a glass shiv too... just in case*

2017-10-22 Not a Clone: Why does the logo for Elfpack look like a lizard? More importantly, is it a lizard I can meet?

2017-10-22 Really!: I'd ask over there, but I prefer to contribute to the one that's actually doing well!

2017-10-22 [Sideways]: Hey, Mort... what’s “Fiscal” mean? I’ve never heard of that word before.

2017-10-22 [Mortified Penguin]: How should I know? Do I look like a botanist to you?!

2017-10-22 [Mortified Penguin]: As for Elfpack's lizard... do I look like a botanist to you?!

2017-10-22 [Mortified Penguin]: *storms off into his greenhouse to investigate the pH levels in his potted cabbage plants*

A pH of 1.5?! I wish I was a botanist, so I could know if that's good or not... *sighs and continues pouring acid on his plants*

2017-10-22 [Mortified Penguin]: Oh yeah, and I always forget about Cathug's diner:

http://cathug.heddate.com/wiki.html?name=bob%27s%20diner

http://linkmeet.heddate.com/wiki.html?name=bob%27s%20diner

2017-10-22 [Mortified Penguin]: And I think there's one on elf12... and maybe musmakers and writersco, but probably not...

2017-10-22 [Mortified Penguin]: And baltbalt probably has one... probably not thunderskeep though... [Hedda] has too many failed sites that lead to too many failed diners...

2017-10-22 [Mortified Penguin]: There's a http://plant.heddate.com ?! Why would that site get shelved?! Now where am I supposed to do all my botany?!

2017-10-22 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1508680128.png>

2017-10-22 [Mortified Penguin]: I would open new diners on these fancy, new websites I've heard of like Reddit and MySpace and Friendster, but outside of Heddate sites, it would just seem weird and autistic. And Reddit is autistic enough as is.

2017-10-23 [Nuktae-tal]: Amen!

2017-10-23 [Yuriona]: <img:http://elftown.heddate.com/stuff/aj/92105/1508527308.jpg>

This does not exist in Canadian KFCs. (They don't carry corn either).
What we do have however, is KFC Popcorn poutine:

<img:https://tse4.mm.bing.net/th?id=OIP.dvhtmMv6OF16sVHOngqOigD6D6&w=208&h=200&c=7&qlt=90&o=4&pid=1.7>

2017-10-24 It's Raining: You don't need those lame, new sites. As long as you keep those sergal pics around, you'll get plenty of occasional traffic!

2017-10-24 [Nuktae-tal]: What is poutine?!

2017-10-24 [Yuriona]: Poutine is basically fries with cheese curds smothered in gravy. Its yummy. :)

2017-10-27 [Nuktae-tal]: It doesn't sound yummy... I guess I'm too American to understand?

2017-10-27 [ancienteye]: Sounds yummy to me. :o

2017-10-27 [Mortified Penguin]: I always thought KFC gravy would make for some good poutine.

2017-10-27 [Mortified Penguin]:

2017-10-28 [Nuktae-tal]: Cheese curds are not yummy...

2017-10-28 [Mortified Penguin]: ALL CHEESE IS YUMMY.

2017-10-28 [Mortified Penguin]: #allcheesematters

2017-10-29 [Mortified Penguin]: #exceptblackcheese

2017-10-30 [Mortified Penguin]: Yuriona hasn't commented in a few days?! This must mean she wants me to spam more...

2017-10-30 [Mortified Penguin]: *heads down to the basement to get the flyers and his advertising pistol*

<img:stuff/aj/92105/1509396114.gif>

2017-10-30 [Mortified Penguin]:

2017-10-30 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1509396289.jpg>

2017-10-30 [Mortified Penguin]:

2017-10-31 Fortified Sanguin: Don't make me!

2017-10-31 [Mortified Penguin]: Make a username already, so I can hack it and find out which letter agency you work for!

<img:stuff/aj/92105/1509488935.png>

2017-11-01 But, Anonymity...: Gah! M-Maybe after I sign up for LD5.

I guess it's only fair... You've already proven good taste in lizard and sergal pics.

2017-11-01 Fortified Sanguin: Oh, but then I won't get capcha fortunes! This one's SC, which might mean Sim City! Haven't touched that game for awhile...

2017-11-01 I don't feel like logging in: But without a proper account, you can't see all the other hilarious stuff I do around here! I'm pretty sure you can at least go to [Maze of Guile@wiki] though. And [chess tournament@wiki]. And [some unfinished comics@wiki]. And whatever other nonsense I've made.

2017-11-01 hmm?!: Why aren't those wiki links working?!

2017-11-01 [Mortified Penguin]: Hmm... they appear to work just fine once I've logged in.

2017-11-01 [Mortified Penguin]: YOU, CIA furfag without an account, are any of these links usable?

Mort's Member of the Month
The Unofficial Elftown News
I can't think of a third wiki

2017-11-01 [Mortified Penguin]: I'm pretty sure you can't make it all the way through the key under the mat without an account. Not that anyone with an account ever did (other than [Nioniel]).

2017-11-01 yepyepyep: I'd prefer you call me scalefag. And yes, your links work fine. Even the third wiki that you can't think of.

2017-11-01 90s!: Also, pfft, you called Skyrim old near the end of 2013. I'm still playing MediEvil!

2017-11-01 [Mortified Penguin]: But did you ever play Splinter Cell: Pandora Tomorrow?! Apparently nobody on this site has.

2017-11-02 Tom: Oops. I never played anything Splinter Cell. I've been told I should have, though.

2017-11-02 [Nuktae-tal]: Wow... I leave for a few days and you all become cool. I see how it is now!

2017-11-02 [Mortified Penguin]: Psssh, nothin personnel, kid, but I've always been cool. *tips his fedora suavely and puts on a totally bitchin' pair of sunglasses*

*tries to cooly moonwalk out the door, but trips over an extension cord and crashes through the window*

2017-11-03 [Mortified Penguin]: Heh... heh heh... *comes crawling back in the door*... bet you thought that was an accident... but in reality it was actually a really nifty trick to... to illustrate just how cool I- *slips on some blood trying to stand back up and smashes his head on the side of a table*

*dies forever*

2017-11-03 [Sagacious Turkey]: That wasn't cool at all. You know what's really cool? *tips accounting glasses* Financial responsibility.

*all the women in the diner swoon (and also [Stephen]) and start begging to do sex to me*

GET OFF, WHORES, I'M DOING MATH! *shoves several skanks to the floor and goes back to inputting formulas in his abacus*

2017-11-04 That Blue Gang From III: "Somebody call a medic!"

2017-11-04 [Yuriona]: Does Medical Venturer count? I do have my standard first aid certification. <img:stuff/dand-gif.gif>

2017-11-04 [Mortified Penguin]: I would help, but I could only get my second aid certification. All I'm qualified to do is fix body bag zippers.

*shrugs and remains dead forever*

2017-11-04 [Sagacious Turkey]: I'm a doctor!

*tries to rush over to one of the whores who sprained an ankle, but trips over Mort's corpse*

Damn it, someone put that meatloaf in the freezer already, this is an operating room! Now let's get that appendix out.

*starts violently sawing into the whore's neck with a hatchet*

2017-11-04 [Sagacious Turkey]:

2017-11-04 [Sideways]: What is this, a thread for Glow in the Dark CIA niggers?

2017-11-05 [Sagacious Turkey]: Do I look CIA to you, fellow Elftowner?

2017-11-05 [Sagacious Turkey]: DO I?! *speaks into his collar*

2017-11-05 [Nuktae-tal]: Wow... now we are into war... K I dig it! * uses spoon to dig hole*

2017-11-05 [Mortified Penguin]: HEY. That comment had been double posted, but the second seems to have been removed. THAT DOESN'T HELP INCREASE THE COMMENT AVERAGE! *slaps Stephen*

2017-11-06 [Sagacious Turkey]: WHERE'S MY SPOON?! MY CEREAL IS GETTING SOGGY.

2017-11-06 [Sagacious Turkey]: Oh wait, this is oatmeal... nevermind. *starts eating it with his hands*

2017-11-06 [Sagacious Turkey]:

2017-11-07 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1510095863.jpg>

2017-11-07 [Mortified Penguin]:

2017-11-10 [Nuktae-tal]: sorry for the double post! didn't meant to... cause this?

2017-11-11 [Mortified Penguin]: YOU SHOULD BE SORRY! Why wasn't it a triple post?!

2017-11-11 [Mortified Penguin]: <img:stuff/aj/92105/1510418873.gif>

2017-11-12 [Nuktae-tal]: yes... because Fuck that's why

2017-11-14 [Imperator]: *SMASHES IN THE ROTTING SALOON DOOR AND KNOCKS ONE OFF ITS HINGES* I've been looking for you fucks for more than THREE YEARS... Now that I've got you right where I- Oh my gaahd! I was number 21 in the 75 top commenters list!! *feels an embarrassingly large swelling of his pride - or his maybe pancreas*

2017-11-14 [Imperator]: You know, I thought for YEARS that Mortified Penguin and Sagacious Turkey were the same person.

2017-11-14 [Sagacious Turkey]: Personally, I'm still not convinced they aren't... *eats ramen*...

Wait, I mean- *does turkey things*

2017-11-14 [Sagacious Turkey]: That top commenter list is from 2014!

2017-11-14 [Imperator]: Shut up! Will you not let me have anything in this world?!

2017-11-14 [Mortified Penguin]: No! Pay your tab! *eats turkey*

Wait, I mean- *does ramen things*

2017-11-14 [Yuriona]: <img:44166_1164145253.gif>

2017-11-14 [Mortified Penguin]: Don't you make that hideous face at me!

2017-11-14 [Imperator]: Oh, and one more thing before I leave. I am ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTED by the racist memes certain lynchers- er, I mean lunchers, have been posting. All you racists really need to think about what you've done here... Oh, and I found something on the floor, anyone drop this?

2017-11-14 [Mortified Penguin]: Not cool, man. You know I'm black.

2017-11-14 [Imperator]: Why are you blaming me?! I just FOUND it here!

2017-11-14 [Mortified Penguin]: Your stereotypes hurt us all... *sadly takes a swig of grape soda, pulls out his Hi-Point, and starts robbing customers as a tear rolls down his ashy cheek*

2017-11-14 [Mortified Penguin]: YOU DID THIS! *smashes an old lady over the head with a brick and runs off with her purse*

2017-11-14 [Imperator]: Hey, swastikas don't paint themselves on mixed race dormitory walls! We all gotta do our parts! *quietly declines do to do those parts*

2017-11-14 [Sagacious Turkey]: I agree, fellow white person. Racism is disgusting. *tips his yarmulke to you and heads back out with his spray paint*

2017-11-14 [Mortified Penguin]: MY YARDMILK!

Oh wait, there it is in the yard. Nevermind.

2017-11-14 [Imperator]: Mort is such a smart goy! Everyone should drink plenty of kosher yardmilk.

2017-11-14 [Mortified Penguin]: Don't touch my yardmilk. You can have some of the soy milk in the fridge, it'll help you grow big and strong. Just ask Tiny Tim!

*you can't ask Tiny Tim, because he is no longer with us*

*last I saw him, he was in upstate New York, pulling all kinds of sweet tang and winning muscle building contests*

2017-11-14 [Nuktae-tal]: *flexs muscles* boy these dead people sure are built! *tosses the grandmotherly corpse aside.*

2017-11-14 [Mortified Penguin]: This is a prestigious, 5-star restaurant. Please, show some class. *puts a suit jacket on the corpse*

2017-11-14 [Mortified Penguin]:

2017-11-14 [Imperator]: So, what exactly has been happening on ET for the last 1000 days? Does anyone come here for reasons besides Bob's Diner?

*Builds bigger building for Bob's out of built bodies from the Better Business Bureau*

2017-11-14 [Imperator]: That looks like a Magneto tittie twister. Wait, it's blushing?...

2017-11-14 [Yuriona]: Bob's Diner and nostalgia. Lots of nostalgia...

2017-11-14 [Mortified Penguin]: Sunrose and Silverfire left forever. Stephen probably died. And now there's pretty much only Yuriona left and the guard forums are boring, because there's nobody to gossip about me anymore.

2017-11-14 [Mortified Penguin]: The weekly member has been the same since 2014, but luckily someone came up with Mort's Member of the Month to replace it.

2017-11-14 [Mortified Penguin]: Pay no attention to the fact that there have been no new interviews for a year or two.

2017-11-15 [Imperator]: How much does it cost to keep this thing running? With so few people I'm genuinely amazed that it still exists. Other websites with actual visitors can barely keep their servers up, what voodoo magick is ET conjuring?

2017-11-15 [Imperator]: And when it says that [Sunrose] is "banned", what does that actually mean in her case?

2017-11-15 [Yuriona]: Banned is banned. I think she requested it so she would never be able to log in again. *shrugs* I don't really remember the story now.

2017-11-15 Still No Account: What the heck, one of the 0¢ ads looked interesting and actually lead to a cool place!

2017-11-15 No Account Still: ... So, uh, that's how it stays up. Actual cool ads?


Year 04/05 05/06 06/07 07/08 08/09 09/10 10/11 11/12 12/13 13/14 14/15 15/16 16/17 17/18 18/19 19/20 20/21	Comments 9709 3870 3065 5676 4309 2879 5259 1697 0984 0756 0394 0177 0384 1677 0471 0285 0118	Average 26.6 cpd 10.6 cpd 08.4 cpd 15.5 cpd 11.8 cpd 07.9 cpd 14.4 cpd 04.7 cpd 02.7 cpd 02.1 cpd 01.1 cpd 00.5 cpd 01.1 cpd 04.6 cpd 01.3 cpd 00.8 cpd 00.3 cpd	Total Comments 09709 13579 16644 22320 26666 29545 34804 36501 37484 38240 38634 38839 39223 40900 41371 41656 41774	Total Average 26.6 cpd/9709 cpy 18.6 cpd/6789 cpy 15.2 cpd/5548 cpy 15.3 cpd/5580 cpy 14.6 cpd/5333 cpy 13.5 cpd/4924 cpy 13.6 cpd/4972 cpy 12.5 cpd/4563 cpy 11.4 cpd/4165 cpy 10.5 cpd/3824 cpy 09.6 cpd/3512 cpy 08.9 cpd/3237 cpy 08.3 cpd/3017 cpy 08.0 cpd/2921 cpy 07.6 cpd/2758 cpy 07.1 cpd/2604 cpy 06.7 cpd/2457 cpy